I am an avoider when it comes to displaying my emotions. I am the person that is strong to the appearance of others but crumples in silence when I am alone.
Losing my Dad was one of the hardest moments of my life. Now I add to that a miscarriage.
To some they would say it was early so you aren’t fully attached but to the woman carrying the child and the excited parents it is so much more. There is pain. Emotional and physical pain in this loss.
My emotional pains plague my memories and thoughts especially during the quiet moments. What did I do wrong? What could I have done better? Would it have been a boy or a girl? Was it really twins as we thought? How do I explain to Tractor Man that the baby isn’t coming anymore? How do I help him understand and deal with his emotions?
The physical pain wakes me in the wee hours of the morning. I find myself here writing while I wait for the pain pills to start working. It debilitates me during the day. Unable to join my children in play, clean my house or even stand at the sink to do my dishes. When will the pain pass?
Feeling as though others do not understand does not help this process. I must work my way through this moment.
Strength comes when I need it most. God is good and helps me get through.
This entire post I have found every way I possibly could to avoid saying that I have lost a child. Because I’m know this will cause me to crumble and although it hurts and I continue to write through the tears, that is what has happened.
To those reading this who have experienced this pain I’m so very sorry for your loss.
For those trying to help another to get through, be present and wait. It takes time to just find our way.