I am a wife and mother. My husband and I have two wonderful, adventurous and often challenging boys. Tractor Man is six and Tag Along is three, but that’s not where our family ends.
For years I have not been able to talk about the members of our family that nobody sees. The children born to us and just as quickly lost. While they brought us much joy, there have also been seasons of ache.
The Rest of the Family
On February 27th, 2015 our twins came into the world. They were only 12 weeks along so many see that as to early to be excited. We were though, this was to be our last pregnancy as Sir Swine and I had agreed upon.
Twelve short weeks and our decision changed. Our family grew by two but nobody saw or really knew about Cassidy and Carter. Our twins. Can you imagine! It brought me joy to know that I had gotten the twins I had always dreamed of having, but sadness that our time together was so short.
We grew by two but no one really knew. We moved on and so did our family.
At the end of May 2016 we rejoiced when we found that I had a positive pregnancy test again. Knowing how hard it was to tell everyone about losing the twins we again chose to keep the pregnancy to ourselves until we were much farther along.
June came and on the 7th things changed again in a way we had not expected. A rush to our doctor confirmed that I had lost the baby, Morgan, and was bleeding internally. After surgery while you sit quietly with your thoughts it is a good time to cry.
It is also a time when I am thankful most for my mother. She has a great way of showing up when things are going south, often before we even know it. She’s really amazing like that.
Why People Don’t Know
I am not really sure why it has taken so long for me to finally talk about our family. I think in the beginning I was hurting and I simply wanted to hold them close to me and selfishly not share them with anyone.
They were my babies. They are my babies.
The other part of me simply felt that others could not possibly understand what I was going through. The mental battle I was facing everyday trying to figure out life and death and why God did this. Why would he give us these babies only to take them away?
I still do not have the answer to those questions. I don’t think I will ever fully understand.
However, I have found a joyful appreciation for the two that I do have here. Tractor Man and Tag Along are challenging and exhausting but they are also wonderful and loving. They are a gift that I am thankful for everyday – not every moment (crayons on walls are not one of my favorite moments for me).
Finding Joy Through the Pain
At a homeschool conference here in Minnesota I went to the bloggers gathering that I have attended the last several years. I was pregnant with Morgan at the time. The year before I had shared with the group the loss of our twins and only three days later I would lose Morgan as well.
These women, my fellow blogging mommy’s, are what provided me with some of the most remarkable support when I needed it. Several of them have lost a little one as well. So many of these women reached out to me after our twins, just to check up on me. How wonderful is that?
I will be seeing all of these lovely women in just a few short weeks at the same conference. We will share our joys and triumphs of the last years blogs, homeschooling and parenting. We will share our challenges and heartaches.
Most importantly we will share our faith and how we have been able to find joy through those challenging and painful times. We will unite as women and mothers and rejoice for the things we have lost.
We will renew our hope.
I recently participated in providing a reflection of how prayer got me through the loss of my twins. This book was created by one of those lovely Mommy’s at the homeschool conference I mentioned. This wonderful book can be found on Amazon (this is my affiliate link).
When it comes to families, always remember that we only see a small portion of what is really there. Sometimes our families are so much bigger than meets the eye but no matter how they look we all know that we have a complete family.